On Being Present (Even When It’s Loud)

I struggle a lot with being present. I think some of it has to do with sensory overwhelm and how I’ve learned to protect myself from it. One moment I’m trying to stay calm, the next I’m just in survival mode. Then suddenly the event is over and all I’m left with are the thoughts about the thing that already happened. It’s frustrating. And oftentimes sad.

But today I got to spend a few hours with my oldest at G-Fest in Chicago... it was his birthday experience gift. He’s been obsessed with Godzilla for a while now, and we got passes to spend a day at the convention. It was loud, packed, a little chaotic, but also… really special.

We waited in line. A long line. We grabbed some food. We found his dream toys.

And it was such a fucking amazing time.

I did my best to stay present.
I caught myself drifting into thought a few times, but I kept coming back.

Seeing his face when we finally made it into the shop, after standing in that line for over an hour, that’s a core memory now.  For me, for sure. Hopefully for him too.

I also struggle with overstimulation, especially when I’m trying to keep multiple kids safe in a giant city like Chicago. Sometimes that makes me short, or detached, or just not all the way there. I don’t want it to, but it happens. I think when I get too focused on what I have to do, it’s harder to stay soft and open when the kids... who are always in the moment and start asking a million questions or just being… well, kids.

Tonight, I felt that too. I got overwhelmed. I got quiet.
But I also experienced some really good things.

It’s a work in progress.
I’m a work in progress.
And I’m trying... really trying... to be a more present dad, and a better partner.

One moment at a time.

And if you’re trying too... if you get overwhelmed, or quiet, or lost in your head when you wish you were more there... that’s okay.
We’re all figuring it out, and I promise you that trying counts.