About a year ago, I had an absolute crash out about my body. I know, how original. Poor middle-class gal who doesn't like how she looks. Well, bear with me, this IS a self-reflecting piece on not being such a hater.

My husband had been watching his calories and working out for about two months at this point, and while it had absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with him taking better care of himself, I had MASSIVE guilt about it. Here he was, taking steps every day to make sure he was healthier and happier, and I was grumpy about it. I was so angry at myself for letting my mental state get this bad. Why did I hate the person in the mirror so much? It wasn't as much about what I looked like but how I felt. Mentally and physically. 

So in February, I officially downloaded a workout app. I didn't open it for almost three weeks. It felt like something I would just start and give up on. Finally, I joined a workout team on the app and completed a few workouts, although not the entire program, just part of it. It still felt like a step forward. I would do them at home and make sure I was alone, or Jeff was busy with work, so he wouldn't see his ridiculously out-of-shape wife try to do a lunge. I wasn't ready to count calories yet; that felt too daunting, so I started with a Pilates/weightlifting group at first. It was okay, and I noticed some changes, but then I decided to actually start counting calories and go heavy into a deficit to shed some pounds. This is when I finally started feeling proud of myself. There was a time when I couldn't bend over at work without feeling lightheaded or squat down to help a patient, and then a few months in, my scrubs felt a little loose, and I looked forward to my workouts each week. I remember having to shop for new shoes because my feet hurt so badly at the end of my 12-hour shifts that I would be in tears and limping. The scale started reflecting my hard work, and I couldn't believe it.
It happened so slowly...the tiny changes to my body and attitude that I almost didn't notice them. I found that my mood swings during my cycle were not nearly as terrifying. I could keep up with my kids, and I was excited to start working out WITH my husband. 

I never would have thought that I would want to be that couple. The ones that go to the gym together four times a week, that cheer each other on when we hit PRs, share recipes, and work out videos together. Now I can't imagine not doing this with Jeff. He started the ball rolling on our health and fitness journey, and I'm incredibly proud of how much work he's put into it. He keeps us on track and is my biggest cheerleader. I went from being a self-conscious, self-hating woman to wanting to make myself proud every week, noticing how my legs looked in the dress I bought in the summer, and how much more energy I had, and how better regulated my emotions were. It isn't all about appearance. I feel I have more control over my days, and that the discipline it takes to get up and go to the gym and complete a full workout is challenging. Even though I'd rather be in bed, it is such an accomplishment. 

This post is difficult to write because I know this isn't really a big deal. It feels so self-absorbed to be talking about it. There are much bigger things going on in the world. I think I just needed to get it down, to remind myself of where I was when I started, and when I have hard days, to just be patient with myself. This isn't a temporary thing; it is a huge lifestyle change that we want to maintain forever. 

I'm interested to see where we are in a year from now. For now, I look forward to our gym days together, and cheering each other on. My life is so different from what it was ten years ago, and I am fortunate and happy to have the chance to move my body and trust myself more each day.