Good evening, friends of Lavish.
There's a very real and possible trigger warning blog post ahead! Fair warning!
A few posts ago, I talked about my diagnosed OCD.
I have 6 types of OCD, but the one that stands out daily to me is a form of OCD called "Pure-O".
Here's a video link to help you understand this form of OCD better
Impulses and intrusive thoughts are two giant characteristics of PURE-O.
These two things SUCK! Just straight up suck.
Have you ever had an intrusive thought so graphic or disturbing you feel ill?
This is what I deal with every 30 seconds of everyday.
My brain DOES NOT ever turn off. It's never quiet and I am always thinking.
It's tiring. Sometimes I just wish my brain would shut up lol!
I wanted to bring attention to this and awareness, as I've had a few folks come forward with their own OCD stories & it's made me feel less alone.
Let's talk about impulses. Humans have normal impulses. We have them for a reason!
" The science behind impulses involves a brain-wide system with two main components: the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex. The limbic system, which is involved in emotion and reward, generates quick, often unconscious urges for immediate gratification, while the prefrontal cortex acts as a "brake," analyzing consequences and allowing for control. Impulses are also rooted in the electrical and chemical signaling of neurons, which can be disrupted by various factors. "
This is pulled from a quick Google search.
I don't have the "Brake" or in other words, my prefrontal cortex has a physical tear in it. Caused from trauma or blunt force trauma I might have experienced as a young child.
This is unfixable. Meaning theres no cure for OCD or tears in the brain cortex. This is a hard pill to swallow, knowing I will always be like this. It's taken me years to accept the diagnosis, so now I'm finally able to come to terms with this illness and try my best to take a swing at life.
PURE-OCD can make the brain and personality warp. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea who I am, or I get the impulse to "change" my personailty based on something I saw or someone I met. Basically, my brain is trying to figure out why my limbic system is saying "No we don't need to change our hair and match this person sitting in the coffee shop". But the cortex doesn't have that "break" so we act on EVERY impulsive that starts in our brains.
When I was younger, long before my diagnosis, I started changing my hair. Not for reasons of self-expression or to be a rebellious teen as many would think, but I started changing i because of my impulses. I wanted to feel a sense of CONTROL, because my brain felt to unbalanced all the time. I changed my hair every single week, which led to damage, and I ended up having to shave my head at 15 due to my impulses.
I started therapy around that time as well, and I was diagnosed with "Depression with psychotic features" which DID NOT help my brain understand myself any better. In fact, it made me feel more crazy. They wanted to test me for BPD and Bi-Polar Disorder. Which NEVER made sense, as I wasn't exactly showing any symptom's of either of those prognosis.
The diagnosis felt wrong and I always felt like we were still missing something about me. We played with the ideas of a possible autism diagnosis, but I didn't fit into that either. I remember being told to just take different ills and we will find something that worked. Nothing worked. For years. I went my entire childhood and teenage years misdiagnosed and wrongly medicated for the wrong thing.
I finally one day had enough and I took myslef to a free therapy/doctor in Savannah, GA. I was over 18, so I didn't tell anyone. I was DESPERATE for help. I remember walking into this shitty doctors clinic, and I was met by an elderly woman.
We will call her Dr.Lady for privacy reasons hahaha!
She asked me about my story with my symptoms and things I experience on an everyday basis. I remember telling her these words -
" I feel like I move too fast constantly and can't slow down. I feel like I'm having 15 different conversations in my head with different people at a time, and I can't turn it off"
Dr.Lady then had me take a written test, and 15 minutes later, I had a severe OCD diagnosis + a maladaptive daydream disorder. That's the day everything clicked. I was breathing lighter, I could quiet my brain down a little, and the world just seemed a lot different. I did a lot of research after that day. I went back and had more assessments done, and now I know what types of OCD I experience and maybe, possibly, why I've developed them. It all leads to childhood trauma starting at the age of 2, and what I've done to coupe with big events as a child.
( Maladaptive daydreaming (MD) is a condition characterized by excessive and intrusive daydreaming that interferes with daily life and causes significant distress.
A few posts ago, I talked about my diagnosed OCD.
I have 6 types of OCD, but the one that stands out daily to me is a form of OCD called "Pure-O".
Here's a video link to help you understand this form of OCD better
Impulses and intrusive thoughts are two giant characteristics of PURE-O.
These two things SUCK! Just straight up suck.
Have you ever had an intrusive thought so graphic or disturbing you feel ill?
This is what I deal with every 30 seconds of everyday.
My brain DOES NOT ever turn off. It's never quiet and I am always thinking.
It's tiring. Sometimes I just wish my brain would shut up lol!
I wanted to bring attention to this and awareness, as I've had a few folks come forward with their own OCD stories & it's made me feel less alone.
Let's talk about impulses. Humans have normal impulses. We have them for a reason!
" The science behind impulses involves a brain-wide system with two main components: the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex. The limbic system, which is involved in emotion and reward, generates quick, often unconscious urges for immediate gratification, while the prefrontal cortex acts as a "brake," analyzing consequences and allowing for control. Impulses are also rooted in the electrical and chemical signaling of neurons, which can be disrupted by various factors. "
This is pulled from a quick Google search.
I don't have the "Brake" or in other words, my prefrontal cortex has a physical tear in it. Caused from trauma or blunt force trauma I might have experienced as a young child.
This is unfixable. Meaning theres no cure for OCD or tears in the brain cortex. This is a hard pill to swallow, knowing I will always be like this. It's taken me years to accept the diagnosis, so now I'm finally able to come to terms with this illness and try my best to take a swing at life.
PURE-OCD can make the brain and personality warp. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea who I am, or I get the impulse to "change" my personailty based on something I saw or someone I met. Basically, my brain is trying to figure out why my limbic system is saying "No we don't need to change our hair and match this person sitting in the coffee shop". But the cortex doesn't have that "break" so we act on EVERY impulsive that starts in our brains.
When I was younger, long before my diagnosis, I started changing my hair. Not for reasons of self-expression or to be a rebellious teen as many would think, but I started changing i because of my impulses. I wanted to feel a sense of CONTROL, because my brain felt to unbalanced all the time. I changed my hair every single week, which led to damage, and I ended up having to shave my head at 15 due to my impulses.
I started therapy around that time as well, and I was diagnosed with "Depression with psychotic features" which DID NOT help my brain understand myself any better. In fact, it made me feel more crazy. They wanted to test me for BPD and Bi-Polar Disorder. Which NEVER made sense, as I wasn't exactly showing any symptom's of either of those prognosis.
The diagnosis felt wrong and I always felt like we were still missing something about me. We played with the ideas of a possible autism diagnosis, but I didn't fit into that either. I remember being told to just take different ills and we will find something that worked. Nothing worked. For years. I went my entire childhood and teenage years misdiagnosed and wrongly medicated for the wrong thing.
I finally one day had enough and I took myslef to a free therapy/doctor in Savannah, GA. I was over 18, so I didn't tell anyone. I was DESPERATE for help. I remember walking into this shitty doctors clinic, and I was met by an elderly woman.
We will call her Dr.Lady for privacy reasons hahaha!
She asked me about my story with my symptoms and things I experience on an everyday basis. I remember telling her these words -
" I feel like I move too fast constantly and can't slow down. I feel like I'm having 15 different conversations in my head with different people at a time, and I can't turn it off"
Dr.Lady then had me take a written test, and 15 minutes later, I had a severe OCD diagnosis + a maladaptive daydream disorder. That's the day everything clicked. I was breathing lighter, I could quiet my brain down a little, and the world just seemed a lot different. I did a lot of research after that day. I went back and had more assessments done, and now I know what types of OCD I experience and maybe, possibly, why I've developed them. It all leads to childhood trauma starting at the age of 2, and what I've done to coupe with big events as a child.
( Maladaptive daydreaming (MD) is a condition characterized by excessive and intrusive daydreaming that interferes with daily life and causes significant distress.
Symptoms:
- Intense and vivid daydreams that last for extended periods (hours or even days)
- Difficulty controlling or stopping daydreaming episodes
- Neglecting responsibilities and obligations due to daydreaming
- Feeling trapped or disconnected from reality
Experiencing guilt or shame after daydreaming episodes
May be accompanied by physical movements or vocalizations related to the daydream
Causes:
The exact causes of MD are not fully understood, but it may be related to:
Coping mechanisms for stress, anxiety, or trauma
Neurochemical imbalances
Certain mental health conditions, such as ADHD, OCD, or depression
Boredom or lack of stimulation )
Back in the 90's & early 2000s, mental health was NOT advocated at ALL hardly. Not how it is today. Now it's in your face 24/7 and it isn't as taboo as it once was! Which is so amazing.
There's no medicine for OCD. There's medicine that will "chill" you out, but theres nothing that can fix or heal you. Just soften the symptoms.
This is scary to think about, but I'm in a place now where I've gone through SO much trial and error, that I know what works for my brain and what helps quiet the symptoms the best.
Here are a few things I do to soften my OCD symtopms
- I make sure to have coffee or a caffeinated drink every morning. Caffeine quiets the brain by releasing serotonin, which can kill OCD for a short period of time.
- If I feel my brain snag on an impulsive, I tend to have a talk with myself out loud. If i want to change something about my appearance, I usually have to have a physical talk with my brain and ask myself "is this what JOLIE wants or is this what my OCD wants?" I can usually quiet my brain and figure out if this is an impulse I want to act on or if this is something my cortex is having a tough time breaking on.
- Exposure therapy. Talking about OCD and acknowledging what's happening is crucial for people with OCD. It can stop future impulses! The brain is so interesting.
- I limit certain triggers. I can't watch anything at night that's super dark or scary, or I can't watch anything hyper religious! I also make sure to limit my phone time! I'll scroll for hours on end sometimes because it's giving my frontal cortex a "break" but I know that's so bad for my brain in the end.
- I allow myself 3 outfit changes a day. OCD hides itself in even the simplest of everyday tasks. I use to change outfits 20-40 times on average everyday, because I felt like it wasn't right or my brain was insisting that if I wore a certain outfit that something bad would happen.
- I clean my house on a schedule everyday. I also have cleanliness OCD. Meaning I can't relax or sit down or leave my house until it's spotless. This is time consuming, but I make a point to do it everyday to try and ease my brain.
- I make a list and schedule for EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. AND. EVENT.
Whether that's grocery shopping or just a to-do list, I have to write it out in list form or I can't get on with my day.
- I make sure to get up at the same time every single day. (4:00) If i sleep in or wake up late, I cancel plans that day. Or at least my brain wants me too hahaha!
OCD is bizarre. It's a really interesting tear in the human brain and I'm learning so much about it still, even almost 15 years later after my official diagnosis.
I encourage you to do your own research and maybe it'll help you understand your friends or family that have OCD! It's a very real and scary thing, it's not a funny term or anything like that! I see a lot of
"OMG! I'm sooooo OCD I have to clean like all the time"
in media and with the public eye. It's sad, because I wish more people understood that its actually super scary and not something to joke about. It can trigger people with OCD and make their symptoms a lot worse!
Anyways,
Being an adult now and being thousands of years old, I'm at a place where I'm at peace with myself. This is who I am, and who I will continue to be for the rest of my years on this earth. I'm not scared of it anymore and I'm confident with my coping skills.
Check on your friends, remember to talk openly about mental health, & use your media platforms for good and raise awareness to issues you experience in everyday life.
Mental health checks are BEAUTIFUL! Check on your brains! Ask questions!
It's important!
Happy Mental Health Check in!
