AUSTIN, TX—Joined by Republicans from the state legislature in a highly publicized ceremony, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a law Thursday banning consensual sex. “I’m proud to sign this bill into law today making all consensual sexual acts punishable by a minimum of 10 years in prison,” said Abbott, who was applauded by religious and other right-wing interest groups for standing up for traditional family values. “Consensual sex has always been immoral, and now it’s finally illegal, too. Enthusiastic, continuous, specific, freely given, and clearly communicated sexual consent will not be tolerated in Texas. Any person who sets up two friends on a date who then go on to have a consensual sexual relationship will also be held responsible and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.” At press time, the U.S. Supreme Court had issued a ruling declining to block the new law.