I’m feeling a lot of things today.
There’s been a lot of talk about “male loneliness” lately, but I think it’s just loneliness. The kind that creeps in slowly. The kind you don’t always want to admit out loud.
You make friends, sometimes really close ones, and then you realize maybe it was only close around one thing. Maybe it was just filmmaking. Or work. Or parenting. And when your life shifts even slightly outside that shared space, you feel the silence. Not immediately. But slowly. Like a door closing an inch at a time.
I feel hella alone lately.
I’ve spent so much time pouring into this thing, into Lavish Made. Digging in, building, shaping it into something I really believe in.
And it’s so hard to feel like anyone sees it.
It’s so hard to break people out of their habits, the scrolls and likes and dopamine loops, and get them to try this thing I’ve been putting my heart into.
And it’s so hard to feel like anyone sees it.
It’s so hard to break people out of their habits, the scrolls and likes and dopamine loops, and get them to try this thing I’ve been putting my heart into.
It feels lonely here.
I miss my brother.
I think about how we’d probably be on Lavish Made together right now, sending each other dumb links, cracking jokes, bouncing ideas off each other, figuring out how to make it even cooler. He would get it. And we’d build it together. He’d message me about every little update, and we’d dream up new stuff just because it was fun.
I think about how we’d probably be on Lavish Made together right now, sending each other dumb links, cracking jokes, bouncing ideas off each other, figuring out how to make it even cooler. He would get it. And we’d build it together. He’d message me about every little update, and we’d dream up new stuff just because it was fun.
I miss my friends from high school, the ones who used to share their dreams with me. The ones I used to open up to. We’d talk about music, and life, and all the weird big things we wanted to make someday. I miss being around that kind of energy.
I miss my movie friends, the ones I made films with, stayed up late with, traded ridiculous ideas with, made art with. I miss those conversations. I miss the excitement. I miss feeling creatively alive with other people.
Life happens. People drift. I know that.
But fuck, man. Today I feel really low. Really invisible.
But fuck, man. Today I feel really low. Really invisible.
I was reading The Boy Kings by Katherine Losse, and she said something that hit hard: That she knew if she stopped posting on social media, the people she thought were her closest friends would just… stop thinking about her.
And I feel that. I really do. I've been working on only posting here... and it’s like I’ve vanished into the static.
I guess I made this place, Lavish Made, to hopefully one day give people who feel this kind of loneliness a space to say, “I made this… can I share it with someone else?”
“Does anyone want to look?”
“Does anyone want to talk to me about it?”
“Does anyone want to look?”
“Does anyone want to talk to me about it?”
I don’t know.
I’m going to keep working on it.
And also thanks to everyone who has spent any time here at all, helping make it better than it was the day before.
And also thanks to everyone who has spent any time here at all, helping make it better than it was the day before.
I just feel lonely today.
